tv The Daily Show With Jon Stewart Comedy Central December 6, 2012 10:00am-10:30am PST
until you see eight clowns picking up some trash. now you're like, "thanks dan, now i get it." and crime rates for guys will plummet if guys are in prison, 'cause we're afraid of going to prison mostly 'cause we're afraid of getting sodomized. and the only thing i've thought of scarier than that is getting sodomized by a clown. [laughter and applause] that's a circus that hurts here and here. and that joke's called "nobody likes a circus that makes your butt hurt." thank you guys. captioning made possible by comedy central. captioned by mccaptioning services www.mccaption.com
from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is the "daily show" with jon stewart ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: welcome to the "daily show." what a good one we have for you tonight. my name is jon stewart. our guest tonight, alan simpson-- one-third of the singing trio "ashford and simpson and bowles" ( laughter ) you should not get their album. they're not very good. let's begin tonight with america. it's great! and republicans in the united states senate think it's about time america cafta, side it's famed humility and let the world see the awesomeness that is us. >> the nation and the world need strong american leadership. >> we need to continue to lead the world.
>> we wanted our example to inspire the people of the earth. >> they're waiting for america to lead the way. >> we are as a nation a beacon of hope for many across the globe. >> we've created a beacon of hope and opportunity for the rest of the world. >> jon: a beacon of hope. a home beacon, a-- come on, world! follow our leadership. did you hear me, world? come on, follow! ( laughter ) don't make me send in the ( bleep ) drones. get behind us. come on! ( laughter ) i will rain down hellfire! ( laughter ) actually this week presented america with just that kind of leadership opportunity. >> there's a senate vote tomorrow on a united nations disabilities treaty. >> advocates say the united nations treaty approved by 126 countries, would promote equal rights and better treatment for the disabled inspired by u.s. law, the americans with stabilities act. >> jon: you're welcome.
( laughter ). once again, america's example has become the standard for other nations to follow. we can be that shining city on the hill. as long as that hill has a ramp. ( laughter ) if-- i think it's very polite of the united states. if year going to create certain disabilities within your country, well... ( laughter ) might as well have some standard treatment for said injuries. so, unassailable and uniifying, this proposal could not be matched. former republican party leader and world war ii veteran bob dole came out of retirement to personally endorse this probably. even current senate rifles main and john kerry put aside their differences for it. >> senator mccain. >> thank you very much, mr. secretary.
>> jon: huh? a little good-natured ribbing. i'm sure senator kerry had a good comeback. "what you just saw was senator mccain referring not to me with my current title the right honorable senator from the great state of... massachusetts, but senator mccain has referred to me way title prospectus, mr. secretary, references senator mccain's obstinnence with regard to susan rice, which may result in my ascension to the cabinet position held by such luminaries throughout history as siewrd, achison, vance, and, of course, others, including but not--" ( laughter ) isn't that how you hammed that there, senator kerry. >> thank you very much, mr. president. ( cheers and applause )
>> jon: bam! ba-bam! laugh latch ( laughte( laughter )two things. one, solid, concise joke. two, a little disproportionate ( laughter ) mccain teased you about a job you might get. and you hit him with the failure of his life. ( laughter ) ( applause ) it's like-- it's like mccain nudged him in the ribs. makin nudged kerry in the ribs. mr. secretary-- kerry turned around and stabbed him in the face. i can see why that guide gooi would make a great chief diplomat. you know what, finally, a righteous mission of worldwide equal rights for the disabled with the support of war heroes and senate elder state men in a world gone mad, american can lead and reschaim its exceptional moral authority. >> they needed 66 votes.
it's a treaty, two-third of the senate and it failed. >> jon: ( bleep ). how did that fail! what is wrong with you people? i guess it's time for ow new segment, "please tell me this is rock bottom." ( laughter ) ( applause ) how did this happen? >> 38 republicans voted no. >> to vote for anything that is even perceived to be granting the u.n. power is a dangerous game for a republican senator because the u.n. is so unpopular among the republican base. >> jon: oh, my god. ( laughter ). it's official-- republicans hate the united nations more than they like helping people in wheelchairs. ( laughter ) look, i'm willing to keep an open mind here. what are your ( bleep ) reasons for opposing this? >> we already have the most comprehensive disability rights laws and protections in the world. period. >> it is considered to be the gold standard for the disabled.
>> jon: right. so by signing this, we are, through our moral leadership and hope beaconing, encourages the other signatories in the world to live up to the only standard that never loses value... gold. ( laughter ). i don't get it. it can't just be you reject trying to get other countries to live up to america's ideals. that can't be it. show us something else, maybe nay size crazy. >> it's with grave concern for sovereignty that i oppose this u.n. treaty. >> the treaty could be used to interfere with the ability of parents with disabled children to decide what action is in the best interest of their children. this would be especially-- affect those parents who home school their children. ( laughter ). >> jon: yeah, that's-- that's the stuff. that's the stuff. you voted no because your fear is if we sign on to a treaty
that is only recommendations for improved disability standards, standards we made the law of the land 20 years ago, what's to stop the men in blue helmets from storming into your living room-- i'm sorry, school-- and force you to build a wheelchair-accessible ramp to the cafeteria-- i'm sorry, your kitchen. ( laughter ) or that adam and eve didn't ride a steggasaurus. is there anything else you object to in this bob-dole-supported treaty that will force americans to bow down to the u.n.? >> this treaty simply has no enforcement mechism. >> jon: mother ( bleep )! ( laughter ) boy, the u.n. really thought of everything. an all-powerful, one-world treaty with no enforcement mechanism. like one of them chinese
fingered traps. all you have to do is relax your fingers and i'm free! how about this? how about we change the treaty to include a classification of delusional paranoia as a disability. ( laughter ) so now that you'll be covered, are we good? ( screaming ) the gentleman from the senate still say nay. we'll be right back ( cheers anpl
( cheers and applause ). >> jon: welcome back. thank you for joining us. marijuana. ( laughter ). makes audiences go wooo! >> wooo! >> jon: but have we considered how legalizing it will affect our nation's most vulnerable citizens? al madrigal has more. >> marijuana advocate robert is on a mission to convince our legislators to legalize medicinal pot, and he's starting with the most impressionable among us-- our bubbies. that's right. he's taking a pro-grass road show to retirement communities
all across florida. >> the silver tour teaches seniors the benefits of medical marijuana. >> and old people are buying all of this? >> almost 100%. it treats arthritis. alzheimer's. glaucoma. montel williams has been preaching for a long time that, that's what gets him up and enables him-- >> let's not drag montel williams into this, okay. all right pro-pot advocates we see your bald black man and raise you a black bald man. >> marijuana is the slippery slope to hell. it's a gateway drug. >> what about those who say if you make it to 90 who gives a crap what you do? you can shoot heroine into your nut sacks. >> i will give a care what i do if i make tow 90. i certainly don't want to get stoned and sit around the home doing nothing. >> yes, our elderly are completely unprepared for how
marijuana will affect their couch-bound, judge judy watching schedule. >> take abe tote. maybe eat a magic brownie. it fits so well into the senior lifestyle. it's probably the only thing they can use that's actually going to give them a better quality of life, take away a lot of their pain. >> and even though medical marijuana has been shown to reduce pain for a.l.s., diabetes, glaucoma, fibromyalgia, arthritis, multiple sclerosis and a few other things, what about the side effects? >> marijuana slows down your motor skills. you can't-- you can't drive correctly. it slurs your speech. >> so pretty much the same side effects as being old. >> marijuana, not prescribed by their doctor, they shouldn't be using marijuana. >> but doctor-prescribed medicines is fine. >> prescribed drugs go through a tough examination by the federal government biker the f.d.a. >> exactly. government-approved immediate only has these mine side effects. >> stiff muscles and confusion.
dry mouth and insomnia. uncontrollable muscle movements. bleedinbleeding and ulcers. sexual side effects. unpleasant taste. diarrhea. seizure. lung cancer. rare by fatal infections. heart attack or stroke. >> and may cause death. >> while weed, on the other hand, can lead to such problems as early-onset hunger syndrome and chronic keyboarding. despite these dangers, he had a final pitch that would seal the deal. >> thank you very much for listening. enjoy the buffet. >> that's right. the first buffet is free. and the seniors, buzzing from their white fish highs, were hooked. >> i don't know what kind of reaction it will have, but i'm willing to try it. >> you're going to try it. >> if it will help me in any way make me feel better for the rest of my life, i'd try anything. >> you'd try anything? >> sure. >> why not move to bangkok and
hang out with a gang of transvestite hookers and shoot up? >> i like to travel. >> bishop allen knew he needed to be vigilant in this battle. let's role play. i'll be a senior citizen and you tell me why i shouldn't get high. >> okay. >> i understand that you're not feeling well. marijuana is not legal, and you should only use the pills. >> but the pills make me sick. >> pot will make you not be able to function. >> who are you? someone let a black man into the community center. ( laughter ). but while too many seniors have fallen prey to looking cool and peer pressure, there was one brave soul who vowed to remain pure. are you going to be smoking marijuana? >> well, i'll tell you, i'm on enough pills already. i've got pills for my pain.
i've got pills for my heart. >> i got these from thelma that i met earlier if you want to trade. >> sure. let's do it. and these two will fix your heart up. >> oh, awesome. let's do it. >> one, two, three. whooo! ♪ one pill makes you larger... and one pill makes you... ♪ >> you can take your jazz cigarette and mary jane but me and steve know the truth path to enlightenment is prescribed by doctors. side effect may include exhilaration, colored lenses. >> jon: ñw
simpson/bowles plan, please welcome, senator allan simpson. sir. >> yuck man. young man. >> how are you? >> jon: nice to see you, senator, how are you? >> good, i saw that last segment. i thought maybe that would liven everything up for me. ( laughter ). i don't want to get into that. that wouldn't be a thing to do. >> jon: next time i'll make sure it's in the gift bag for everybody. ( laughter ). >> maybe just the cookies. >> jon: just the cookies. ( laughter ). so let me-- let me start with you. two years ago, two and a half years ago, you are aproasmed to chaiapproached tochair a commits to set up a deficit reduction plan for the country. you study it. you're very diligent. everybody hates it within 24
hours. the democrats say it's too austere. the republicans say you're raising tax too much. two years later as we stand on the precipiceave cliff, suddenly this plan as seen as the mosterably thing in town and people are coming to you to find out your sage advice. what happened in those two years? >> well, the people woke up. i think young people are waking up. you can't do this. you can't tax your way out of this hole. you can't grow your way out of this hole. we had every economist say you could have double-digit growth for 20 years and can't get out of the hole. you can't cut spending out of your hole. we got five democrats, five republicans, ranging from dick durbin to illinois-- great progressive democrat-- and coburn from oklahoma, and five dems, five republicans, one independent, that's a super majority. and for god's sake the reason we were so successful is that we effectively pissed off everybody
in america. ( laughter ). >> jon: congratulations, sir. kudos. kudos to you. ( applause ) so now, as you watch these competing plans, you watch the president has submitted his opening offer, which has been derided by the house republicans as an ode to lennon. the republicans have presented their plan, which is to my eyes, steeper than the fiscal cliff we're about to fall off of. where does the simpson/bowles recommendation stand, and are they coming to you now and saying, "oh, we forgot. you guys studied this. what do you think? >> well, we studied it for eight months. and it was tough. we didn't-- we had-- it took us three months to establish trust. these guys don't trust each other. they don't even trust each other in their own party. you've got leaders who are people behind them with a shive hoping they can get their job next go-around.
poor old durbin has someone looking over his back because he voted for the package. every time they deal and over in the republicans, boehner has to go to work and come back and there's-- now there are 70 of them left, the tea party guys. these are guys who went to congress not to limit government but to stop it. so what are you going to do? and so here we have this plan. everybody says "i love the framework. i just love--" >> jon: everybody loves a good framework. >> and then that will say what did you do with home mortgage interest deductions. it will be the end of home ownership. we said you don't need a million bucks of home hoarnlg interest deduction. we'll take it down to 500,000, and a 12% nonrefundable tax credit and that helps the little guy. if everybody would do something for the little guy instead of talking about the little guy, we might make it. >> jon: the little guy might get bigger. >> might get bigger ( cheers and applause ). >> jon: there's so much talk-- and even in simpson/bowles, there's a lot of
talk about corporate tax rates and lowering them and making them more competitive. in my eye, corporations have had, over these last 20 years, the run of the place. they have-- if you look at it factually, corporate profits are at an all-time ho-- all-time high. that was-- that was a freudian slip of proportions. corporations are all-time ho's. no, but their profits are at an all-time high. worker wages have stagnated even as productivity has gone up. so i guess i'm confused as to why we are chasing their favor when they seem to have had such a good run over these past 20 or 30 years. >> yeah, well, our corporate tax rate is the highest in the world -- >> but not actually. >> well, 36% is where we're at. what we did, we took away all of these tax expenditures, all of
these deductions, all of this stuff. this is just earmarks by any other name, and it's spending by any other name, and it's $1.1 trillion a year. and only 20% of the american people use 80% of the stuff in that tax code. does that give you the wake-up call who is gimming the system? we got rid of all that and give people from 0-70 grand, 8%. 70,000 to 210,000, they pay 14, everything over that, 23. take the corporate rate from 26 to 36 and not tax them twice when they bring it back. and when they bring it back, when the democrats-- as err skin says a democrat-- they'll just use it for dividends to buy stocks and he said at least they'll be using it in the united states of america instead of sticking over there. >> jon: or thaidged of they could use it for bonuses. >> they'll do all that. >> jon: between and you i,
and you're a republican, between and you me, they really are the crazy people in this one. are they not? >> no, the aarp spss are the crazy people. >> jon: don't say that because i just joined. you can stick around a little bit. we're going to talk more with senator capitol hill kennedyicism. we'll be right back. ñ